Moments That Change The World
THIS PAST SUNDAY I CRASHED MY BIKE so hard I flew over the handlebars, landed on my head and back, and broke my helmet. Thankfully, my 16-year-old son Patrick was there to make sure I did not try to move my neck or body or let anyone else move me. It felt good that his words were so solid, helpful, and calm with so many people wanting to do something before the ambulance guys took over—and then a CT scan showed nothing broken.
Nevertheless, I have been sitting for about a week with three boxes of drugs to keep down the pain, and I still can’t move much. So I’ve been musing about the power of words. We understand that words in dire circumstances may be the difference between life and death. What we forget is the full spectrum of moments where our words matter.
During the financial crisis in 2007/2008, my investment company went from holding assets worth about $800 million to about $300 million. We cut salaries as much as 90 percent and I lived off savings. It was stressful, and then one night, my wife Amy came in and said in a very loving but firm and matter-of-fact way, “I don’t like seeing you so stressed. You can just walk away. I don’t care if we have to live in a trailer.” And in that moment my world changed.
“Research shows that optimistic, happy people are heathier, live longer, have better relationships, and enjoy life more than those who are less optimistic.”
I had built my identity as the CEO of a large and successful company that I started from scratch. Along the way, I had also built an identity that became afraid of being rejected if I was not successful—and that extra stress was tearing me apart. But then, with just a few words, I knew Amy was with me no matter what. A burden lifted. I felt radically free to take risks again. The next day I told Amy, “I want to go for it,” and she said, “Fine.”
I met with the company bankers, and they gave us extensions, and then we had an employee meeting and made the decision to go for it. The company bounced back quickly as the markets recovered and we made good decisions. Even today I wonder where we would be if that moment with Amy had not happened.
These microencounters matter. I call them Micromoments of Influence or MMIs. MMIs can be positive or negative, uplifting or hurtful. And it’s not just our own words or the words of our family and friends. Any words can have oversized influence. Breaking news, social media alerts, and the texts we get bombarded with are all potential micromoments that can shift the trajectory of our lives. So can the words of people we work with, people sharing opinions as if they are stating the truth. For better or worse, these micromoments can have profound influences on our future.
Henry Ford is often credited with saying, “If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right!” The common sense of Ford’s words aside, research shows that optimistic, happy people are heathier, live longer, have better relationships, and enjoy life more than those who are less optimistic. My sense is that our internal chatter, which often determines whether we think we can or we think we can’t, is influenced by the adults who mattered to us as children.
In other words, our sense of “I Am” is first shaped by this parental chatter, which manifests in our behaviors. But every word we say to someone is influencing their “I Am.” And it goes both ways.
Visualize how it would feel if the first few people you met each day looked you in the eye and said sincerely, “I love how you seem to have such a peaceful happiness about you.” Or “I feel lucky I get to work with you.” Now think how you would feel if those people instead said nothing, or just grunted an acknowledgment. We feel these interactions. They shape us—and vice versa.
Knowing that also means we have the power to help create a happier, more just, and more compassionate world. Any moment may be an MMI—and we can make those moments intentional. We have the power of IMMIs (Intentional Micromoments of Influence). Our words can help build up the world, one IMMI relationship at a time.
In my Parenting with Love and Teaching with Love workshops, I typically get on my knees so I am at eye level or looking up into the participants’ faces. I tell them to pretend they are a young learner, and I say, “You know, yesterday you got 2 out of 50 questions right on the exam. Today you got 4 out of 50. Look at that improvement! You have a lot of smarts up there in your brain.”
When we get down to the child’s level, they feel special, worthy of someone’s attention, and connected. The child also hears that they are capable, improving, and have a good brain. All that happened in a few seconds. Others might stand there looking at the same test scores and belittle the child. Sometimes parents think they are doing the child a favor by shaming them. All shaming does is cause a withdrawal from the relationship.
The parent is no longer a sanctuary of strength and love, but a person who makes the child feel bad. No wonder children run away or connect with friends who might not be so great. The simple truth is that our words are either building life or breaking it down.
Set an intention to have a positive IMMI with everyone you chat with today, even if it is just a happy loving smile. IMMIs can change the world.
Paul Sutherland would love to hear your IMMI stories. Email him at paul@stepiedu.com.
